Observe, Describe, Participate: The Three Foundational Mindfulness Skills

Skill 1: Observe

What It Is

Observing means noticing your experience—thoughts, emotions, sensations, surroundings—without getting tangled up in them. You step back and simply watch, like a scientist observing an experiment or a bystander noticing passing clouds in the sky.

The key is noticing without engaging. You're not trying to fix, change, or interpret what you observe. You're just paying attention.

Why Observe Matters for Your Clients

When clients can observe their experience rather than being lost in it, they create crucial distance from overwhelm. This observational distance is what allows choice to emerge.

Without observing: An anxious thought about an upcoming presentation immediately becomes "I'm going to fail." The client is fused with the thought, believing it completely, reacting to it as if it's fact.

With observing: The client notices the anxious thought and recognizes it as just a thought—a prediction their brain is making. They can acknowledge it without being controlled by it.

How to Practice Observe

Teaching your clients to observe is straightforward:

Step 1: Choose a focus. Pick something to observe—their breath, sounds around them, physical sensations in their body, emotions they're experiencing, or thoughts passing through their mind.

Step 2: Notice without engaging. Watch the experience without trying to change it, push it away, or hold onto it. The instruction is simple: just notice.

Step 3: When the mind wanders, gently return attention to what they're observing. No judgment. Just return. And again. And again.

This is where the actual practice lies—in the returning. Every time your client notices their mind has wandered and brings it back, they're strengthening the muscle of present-moment awareness.

Everyday Examples

Help your clients see how observe works in real life:

• Observing sounds: During a meeting, notice sounds around you—computer keys clicking, someone clearing their throat, traffic outside—without labeling them as pleasant or unpleasant.
• Observing breath: When anxious, simply watch the sensation of breathing in and out without trying to control or slow it.
• Observing thoughts: When rumination starts, notice thoughts passing through awareness like clouds in the sky. "There's that worried thought again. There's another one."
• Observing emotions: When anger arises, feel the emotion in your body without acting on it or pushing it away. "I'm noticing anger. I feel it in my jaw and shoulders."
• Observing sensations: When tense, practice noticing the sensation of tension, temperature on skin, the feeling of the chair supporting your body.

How Observe Helps Your Clients

For anxiety: "When you notice anxious thoughts, instead of getting caught up in them, you simply observe: 'There's the worried thought again.' This creates distance from the thought's power."

For overwhelm: "Observing what's happening right now, rather than everything you need to do, helps your nervous system settle."

For reactivity: "By noticing your emotional reaction before you respond, you create a moment where you can choose a skillful response."

Skill 2: Describe

What It Is

Describing means putting words to what you observe. You label your experience using factual language, carefully avoiding interpretations and judgments.

The magic of describe is this: When you can say "I'm having anxious thoughts" instead of "I AM anxious," you recognize that the experience is temporary and not your entire identity.

Why Describe Matters

Describing creates crucial distance from overwhelming experiences. It's the difference between fusion and defusion—being caught in the experience versus observing it.

When a client practices describing, they move from:

• "This is terrible" → "This didn't go as planned"
• "I'm so stupid" → "I made a mistake"
• "They shouldn't have done that" → "They did that"

Notice how the second phrasing feels neutral while the first adds emotional intensity? That's the power of describe.

The Key Distinction: Facts vs. Judgments

Help your clients understand this critical distinction:

Judgments evaluate and add interpretation:

• "This traffic is terrible. I'm going to be late and ruin everything."
• "I'm a mess. I can't handle anything."
• "She's being really rude to me."

Facts describe what actually is:

• "There are many cars on the road."
• "I'm feeling tension in my shoulders."
• "She didn't respond to my message."

The difference? Facts feel neutral. Judgments feel intense and create additional suffering.

How to Practice Describe

The practice is simple:

Step 1: Observe first. Use the observe skill to notice your experience.

Step 2: Put it into words. Silently or aloud, describe what you notice using neutral language. "I'm noticing thoughts about whether I did that well. I feel tension in my chest. My heart is beating faster."

Step 3: Stick to facts. Describe what IS, not what you think it means or how you judge it.

Coaching Examples

Help your clients practice with real-life situations:

• Describing emotions: "I'm feeling angry. My face feels hot. My jaw is clenched." (Not: "I'm furious and they're making me so mad")
• Describing thoughts: "I'm having the thought that this won't work out." (Not: "I know this will fail")
• Describing situations: "She didn't respond to my text." (Not: "She's ignoring me on purpose")
• Describing physical sensations: "My stomach feels tight and uncomfortable." (Not: "My anxiety is killing me")
• Describing urges: "I'm noticing an urge to check my phone." (Not: "I can't stay off my phone")

Reducing Suffering Through Description

This skill directly reduces unnecessary suffering. When clients stop mind-reading and catastrophizing, when they describe facts instead of adding interpretations, they naturally experience less stress.

Skill 3: Participate

What It Is

Participating means throwing yourself fully into the current activity. You become completely engaged and absorbed, losing self-consciousness. You're in the zone. You're in flow. You're just doing, not watching yourself do.

This is the opposite of performance anxiety or self-monitoring. It's the state where peak performance and genuine enjoyment happen.

Why Participate Matters

Many of your clients—particularly high-achievers—are trapped in self-monitoring. They're constantly watching themselves from the outside: "Am I doing this right? What do they think of me? Do I sound nervous?"

This self-consciousness actually decreases performance and enjoyment. When clients can participate fully—losing the self-monitoring—they naturally do better and enjoy more.

The Difference

NOT participating: During a conversation, the client is thinking, "Am I saying the right thing? Do they like me? What should I say next?" They're partially in the conversation and partially observing their own performance.

PARTICIPATING: The client is fully engaged in listening and responding naturally. They're not monitoring. They're just present with the other person.

The difference in quality is immediately noticeable.

How to Practice Participate

The practice is about letting go:

Step 1: Choose an activity. Any activity works—conversation, exercise, work tasks, creative projects, eating, playing.

Step 2: Let go of self-consciousness. Stop watching yourself perform. Stop analyzing. Just do the activity.

Step 3: Become one with the action. Merge with what you're doing. Let the activity carry you. This is where "flow" happens.

Everyday Examples

Help your clients see participate in action:

• Participating in conversation: Fully listening without planning your response. Engaging naturally without monitoring how you sound.
• Participating in work: Getting absorbed in a task, losing track of time in the good way, being immersed in the work.
• Participating in exercise: Feeling the movement, being in your body, not just going through the motions while thinking about other things.
• Participating in play: Completely engaged with children or pets, with no part of your mind elsewhere.
• Participating in creativity: Losing yourself in painting, writing, music, or cooking.

For High-Achieving Clients

Many of your high-achieving, performance-oriented clients struggle with participate because they're constantly evaluating their performance. Help them understand: Participation often IMPROVES performance by reducing anxiety and increasing focus.

When they're not watching themselves, their nervous system settles. They access better resources. They naturally perform better.