Introduction: Befriending Your Emotions

Most of your clients have a troubled relationship with their emotions. They either:

None of these approaches works well. The solution is learning to observe emotions as they actually are—present but not in control.

Mindfulness of emotion is the skill of noticing an emotion, observing it carefully, and recognizing it as a temporary experience—like a wave that arises, peaks, and passes.

This skill creates the space between feeling and action where choice lives.

Understanding Emotions: The Wave Metaphor

Help your clients understand how emotions actually work:

Emotions are like ocean waves. They:

The critical insight: All emotions follow this pattern. None last forever.

When clients can see emotions as waves rather than permanent states or commands to obey, their entire relationship with emotion shifts.

The Parts of an Emotional Experience

When you practice mindfulness of emotion, help clients notice four elements:

1. The Triggering Event

What happened? What did you observe?

Stay with facts, not interpretations.

2. Physical Sensations

Where do you feel this emotion in your body?

The body tells the story of emotion. Help clients get familiar with their unique "emotion map."

3. Thoughts & Urges

What thoughts arise with this emotion?

What's the urge? The action impulse?

4. The Emotional Experience Itself

After noticing the above, what's the raw emotion? Just the feeling itself, beneath all the stories and reactions.

How to Practice Mindfulness of Emotion

The Basic Practice

When an emotion arises (ideally one that's intense but not overwhelming):

Step 1: Pause
Stop your automatic reaction. Create a moment of space.

Step 2: Name It
"I'm noticing anger" or "I'm experiencing anxiety."
Just naming the emotion reduces its intensity slightly.

Step 3: Observe the Trigger
"What happened? What's the fact of this situation?"

Step 4: Notice Physical Sensations
"Where do I feel this in my body? What sensations am I noticing?"

Step 5: Observe the Thoughts & Urges
"What thoughts are coming? What do I feel like doing?"

Step 6: Let It Be
Don't try to change it or make it go away. Just observe it like a scientist studying a wave.

Step 7: Watch It Shift
Notice: What's the intensity now? Is it changing?

Real-World Examples

Example 1: Anxiety During a Presentation

Trigger: Standing up to give a presentation

Physical sensations: Racing heart, dry throat, shaky hands, butterflies in stomach

Thoughts: "I'm going to forget what to say. They'll think I'm unprepared."

Urges: Want to run away, want to rush through it

What you do: Stop. Observe all of this. Breathe. Notice the sensations. Notice the intensity starting at maybe a 7 out of 10.

As you present, keep observing. Maybe the intensity drops to a 5. Then a 4. Notice that it's changing. The emotion isn't fixed—it's moving.

Example 2: Anger at a Partner

Trigger: Partner said something critical

Physical sensations: Heat in chest, jaw clenching, fists tensing

Thoughts: "How dare they. They're so unfair. I need to fight back."

Urges: Want to yell, defend yourself, point out their flaws

What you do: Instead of reacting immediately, pause. Observe the anger. Notice it peaked at an 8. Breathe. Keep observing. Within a few minutes, it's down to a 6. You're still angry, but you're not in the grip of it. Now you can choose how to respond.

Example 3: Sadness About a Loss

Trigger: A reminder of someone who passed away

Physical sensations: Heavy feeling in chest, throat tightness, tears

Thoughts: "I miss them. I wish they were here. This hurts."

Urges: Want to cry, want to be alone, want to look at old photos

What you do: Let yourself feel the sadness. Observe it without trying to fix it or push it away. Notice the waves of intensity. Sometimes it peaks, sometimes it softens. That's okay. The sadness is part of loving them.

The Transformation That Happens

Here's what changes when clients practice mindfulness of emotion:

Before: "I'm angry. I need to respond immediately. I might do something I regret."

After: "I'm noticing anger. I'm observing it. I can choose when and how to respond."

Before: "I'm so anxious. I can't do this. I need to escape."

After: "I'm experiencing anxiety. I can observe it while still showing up for what matters."

Before: "I'm too sad/angry/scared. It's overwhelming."

After: "I'm feeling intense emotion. It's moving in waves. I can be present with it."

Key Insights to Share with Clients

Insight 1: Emotions Are Information

Emotions tell us what matters. Anger says "this matters to me." Fear says "I need to be careful here." Sadness says "I'm losing something I care about."

The emotion itself isn't the problem. The problem is usually acting on it without observing it first.

Insight 2: Emotion Intensity Is Always Changing

When clients understand that emotion intensity follows a wave pattern, they stop fearing emotion as much. "This will peak and pass" is incredibly reassuring.

Insight 3: Observing Doesn't Mean Doing Nothing

Some clients worry that if they observe an emotion instead of acting on it, they're being passive. Not true.

Observing actually improves your response. When you're not in the grip of emotion, you can choose responses that align with your values.

Insight 4: All Emotions Are Valid

There's no "good" or "bad" emotion. Anger, fear, sadness, shame—they're all valid responses to situations. The practice isn't to get rid of emotions; it's to relate to them skillfully.

Homework: Emotion Tracking

Have clients practice throughout the week:

Daily practice: Notice at least one emotion. Observe it using the four elements (trigger, physical sensations, thoughts/urges, raw emotion).

Track:

After a week of tracking, patterns usually emerge:

Addressing Common Challenges

Challenge: "When I observe, the emotion just gets bigger."

Solution: Sometimes emotions intensify slightly when we first turn toward them. Keep observing. Usually after 20-30 seconds of real observation, they begin to shift. If it's still intensifying, try shifting your focus (notice sounds, feel your feet on the ground) while still being aware of the emotion.

Challenge: "I get lost in the emotion and forget to observe."

Solution: That's normal. Start with less intense emotions. Build the skill with smaller feelings before practicing with big ones. It gets easier with practice.

Challenge: "It feels cold or analytical to observe my emotions."

Solution: True mindfulness includes compassion. You're not observing coldly; you're observing with kindness. "I'm feeling this. It's valid. I'm here with it."

Challenge: "I observe it but then I still act impulsively."

Solution: Keep practicing. The space between emotion and action grows with practice. You're building a skill—it takes time.

Integration with Other Mindfulness Skills

With Observe & Describe:
These skills directly apply. You observe the emotion, then describe what you notice without judgment.

With Non-Judgmental Stance:
Rather than "I'm so angry" or "I'm pathetically sad," you observe: "I'm feeling anger" or "I'm experiencing sadness."

With Wise Mind:
Once you've observed an emotion, you can ask: "What does my Wise Mind say about this?" Access that integrated place of reason plus feeling.

Signs of Progress

Your clients are developing this skill when they:

The Deep Benefit

The deepest benefit of mindfulness of emotion is freedom. When clients realize that emotions are temporary experiences—not commands to obey, not definitions of who they are, not emergencies requiring immediate action—they're free.

They can feel angry without attacking.
They can feel scared without freezing.
They can feel sad without despairing.
They can feel shame without hiding.

The emotion is present. The person chooses the response.

Teaching Tips: Start with neutral or mildly pleasant emotions (joy, contentment, curiosity). Build confidence before working with challenging emotions. Use the wave metaphor often. Normalize that emotions intensify sometimes before they shift—that's part of the process.

Next Step: Combine mindfulness of emotion with the other skills to create a comprehensive toolkit.

Part of the Emotional Resilience Toolkit for Coaches. For coaching use only.